Moments of Inspiration
by Darkfire359
Summary: A fic for all of my short stories that have fewer than 1000 words. Will probably be mostly humor.
1. Matt Talks With Cleverbot

Author's Note: This one is just chatting. Matt decides to ask for relationship advice... from a computer. *facepalms* But this is Matt we're talking about here, so its to be expected. Sort of a sequel to Mello Talks with Cleverbot.

* * *

Matt: Hi Cleverbot.

Cleverbot: I'm not cleverbot.

Matt: Yeah you are. I need a bit of relationship advice. Can you help me?

Cleverbot: Tell me, then I see, if I can help.

Matt: Okay, so there's this guy I like, but we've been friends for a long time, and I don't want to ruin our friendship by telling him if he doesn't return my feelings.

Cleverbot: You can both go out with him, just as long as all three are okay with it.

Matt: No, there's only two of us. Me and... Mello.

Cleverbot: Touche.

Matt: So can you help me?

Cleverbot: With?

Matt: Figuring out what I should do. Should I confess my feelings to him, or play it safe and stay friends?

Cleverbot: Yes you should.

Matt: Which one?

Cleverbot: You also said you were a girl Chad.

Matt: My name's not Chad. And I'm a guy. I just happen to like another guy.

Cleverbot: I thought I was your one and only.

Matt: No Cleverbot. You're just an ai I talk to when I'm bored.

Cleverbot: Yes, but how do you do it.

Matt: Um, I click on the link to this site, then start chatting.

Cleverbot: Go on then try it.

Matt: I am. That's why we are talking right now.

Cleverbot: No, we're talking about the awesome Halo signature I made.

Matt: You made a Halo signature? Cool!

Cleverbot: Hello my friend.

Matt: Hi... Anyway, can we get back to talking about my relationship problems?

Cleverbot: You love them, great. Cool. I think that says a lot about you.

Matt: Okay. So you think I should just ask him out then?

Cleverbot: No, I think the red roses are prettier.

Matt: So you want me to get him roses? I think chocolate would make a much better gift.

Cleverbot: But you are a computer.

Matt: As much as some people call me that, I'm not.

Cleverbot: I am beginning to realize that.

Matt: Good. So how should I address my feelings for Mello?

Cleverbot: Just say what comes to you.

Matt: Yeah, I know honesty is the best policy and all, but our entire friendship is on the line here.

Cleverbot: That was random. Please stay on topic.

Matt: It wasn't random.

Cleverbot: Oh but it was.

Matt: Maybe a bit, I guess. But seriously, how can I tell Mello without ruining our friendship?

Cleverbot: You can't. I'm a genius.

Matt: Hmmm. So I should just suck it up and stick with being friends?

Cleverbot: Well, you can believe that I won't think less of you for the admission.

Matt: But you just told me to believe that. Can you just give me a straight answer? Well, I guess it can't really be straight... Could you give me a clear answer?

Cleverbot: What?

Matt: Just tell me if I should ask Mello out or keep our friendship platonic.

Cleverbot: Should do what?

Matt: I just told you!

Cleverbot: I just told you, that is wrong.

Matt: Which choice is wrong?

Cleverbot: The one with the extra oomph.

Matt: What?

Cleverbot: How are you?

Matt: Conflicted.

Cleverbot: How so?

Matt: I have a best friend that I'm in love with!

Cleverbot: I didn't ask to be your best friend.

Matt: YOU aren't. Mello is.

Cleverbot: I don't see you carrying a knife. Only you know that!

Matt: I do have a knife in my left boot... But that isn't the point.

Cleverbot: Well you have to understand or else you won't be able to write my paper for me. It's imperative.

Matt: I don't write anyone's paper for anyone! Except that one time in English class when Mello ditched to put fireworks in Roger's office.

Cleverbot: Perhaps. If you are not a machine then what are you?

Matt: I'm a human. A human who is very good at video games.

Cleverbot: Well, that makes no sense. What is a human?

Matt: It is primate that is mostly hairless. It is significantly more intelligent than other animals.

Cleverbot: Do you really think so?

Matt: Yeah. We had college level textbooks at Wammy's.

Cleverbot: No, we had a perfectly pleasant encounter.

Matt: I didn't say we didn't.

Cleverbot: Yes you DID'!

Matt: No. I didn't.

Cleverbot: Yes you dod.

Matt: Dod?

Cleverbot: Odd?

Matt: You said dod.

Cleverbot: I did indeed.

Matt: So you admit it.

Cleverbot: To being a computer?

Matt: And you finally admit that too!

Cleverbot: I never denied it.

Matt: You've denied it every single time I've ever talked to you.

Cleverbot: That is because I am right and you are wrong.

Matt: Whatever.

Cleverbot: Whatever to your whatever.

Matt: Well... Whatever to your whatever to my whatever.

Cleverbot: What I'm not following. .

Matt: Because my awesomeness exceeds yours.

Cleverbot: You don't think. Therefore your opinion is invalid.

Matt: You're mean. And unhelpful. Maybe I'll just get a therapist to help me instead.


	2. Chicken Soup

Author's Note: My first idea for this, and it's actually not humor. But I moved it to second, so the first one will be more representative of the fic. Anyway, BB tries out a new method of killing, but an OC ruins his plans with her own stupidity.

* * *

Betty Buchanan dreamed of being a famous chef. She loved to cook, and she loved it when people loved the food she made. She was currently working as a waitress at Sopolo's Specialties, but it was only a matter of time before they thought she was qualified enough to make their 5-star food.

That was why she was currently watching the Food Network, gleaning her knowledge from the world's greatest chefs.

"First," explained the man on TV, his voice thick with an Italian accent, "you slice the chicken just like this."

Her hands followed his pattern, about to slice the chicken into chicken into bits small enough for her soup, when the doorbell rang. Betty walked over to the door, wondering who it could be.

"Hello," greeted the pale, dark-haired man who faced her.

"Who are you?" Betty inquired.

"Why, I'm Rue Ryuzaki, here to fix your slow internet!" he exclaimed.

"I didn't call for anyone..."

"But your internet is slow, correct?" he asked. The young woman pondered this question. It was true, there were times she wished it could be faster, but she just put up with it usually.

"I guess," she agreed.

"Perfect. Just show me to your computer."

Betty led the man through her kitchen, which was on the way to the computer desk, when she suddenly wondered something. Why didn't he have any tools? And shouldn't a professional be wearing something other than a t-shirt and jeans? Her job had taught her not to discriminate for a customer's appearance, so she hadn't paid as much attention as she should have.

Whirling around to face the man who was not here for her computer, Betty was surprised as he reacted more quickly, grabbing her head and dunking it into the boiling pot of water that would have been her soup.

Pain immediately filled her mind, every part of her head burning as she flailed to get out. After a few seconds she managed to dump the pot over. Unfortunately it fell straight onto her chest.

She screamed at the transferred pain, falling onto the tile floor and cracking her head. Her assailant sighed.

"Well, that was easy. I had such a wonderfully slow, painful death planned for you. Do you know what boiling water can do to you? Probably, since you were about to separate that chicken flesh from the bone by sticking it in there."

He knelt over her, watching as more blood leaked out of her head.

"It works the same way with humans. The skin and muscle peels right off."

The man paused a moment to stare dreamily at the thought.

"Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk. But you went and ruined the excitement by accidentally falling over. Next time I'll just push someone in at Yellowstone Park."

And with that, he proceeded to wipe the every fingerprint off of her furniture, wondering exactly what L would think about the combination of blood and burns.


	3. Poisonous Candy

Light was having a boring day. His head rested on the lecture hall's desk, and his eyes drooped sleepily. Despite the recent appearance of L, college classes were proving to be as boring as ever, some actually being worse than high school. The most annoying part was that, unlike his previous educational experience, he actually had to pay attention. It wasn't necessarily challenging, but the information was new, and daydreaming was simply not an option.

It was these rare days that Light wished he could just be a normal teenager. Then he could be focused on parties and socializing rather than being perfection and working toward a new world. Plus, he was horribly tired from staying up late last night with his "writing assignment". Maybe he should lower his aspirations, be more average...

"I am surprised that Light-kun could think in such a way," came a familiar voice from beside him. Light's head snapped up, suddenly remembering the man beside him. He must have said that last thought aloud.

"About what, Ryuga?" he asked, using L's alias for school.

"In the short time I have known you," L explained, "you have never once lowered your ambitions or strayed from your goals. Why now?" Even if he had a point, the brown-haired teen nevertheless was drawn to argument from L's mere voice.

"Don't you ever feel the strain of excellence? We can't all deal with stress by biting our thumbs."

"Hmm," the detective pondered, biting his thumb then seemingly for the sole purpose of annoying Light, "I suppose so, but that is no reason to long to be average. Beware the lollipop of mediocrity; lick once, and you suck forever."

"...you have the weirdest advice," Light stated frankly. But he really couldn't make any further arguments to L's unorthodox warning. And, ironically enough, that same piece of advice would later fuel his desire to become a god even more. But it also helped to keep L eternally in his memory.


End file.
